President Trump is prescient. Without a shred of evidence except his intuition, he accused his predecessor, President Obama of illegally tapping his phones at his mansion-in-the-sky, Trump Tower, during the presidential campaign. He insisted on a Congressional investigation to unearth the truth, so the House Intelligence Committee convened and promptly called FBI Director James Comey and NSA Director Adm. Michael Rogers to testify. Comey speaking on behalf of both the FBI and the Department of Justice, said that no wiretapping ever took place and neither President Obama nor any president could have ordered such surveillance—that only the US Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA court) could approve such action. His statement was clear, unambiguous and definitive and should have put to rest Trump’s ridiculous charge against the former President.
But we are dealing with a tenacious pit-bully who simply tripled-down on his accusation that he was “tapped”.
Already planning a full frontal assault on the Trump residences to search for evidence of Donald’s Russian connections, Federal Marshals rummaged through the 100 rooms at the Tweeter-in-Chief’s New York penthouse and, in his underwear drawer found a treasure trove of incriminating material. The FBI’s (partial) inventory list follows:
1) Presentation Medal; Order of the Tsar; inscribed: “Nasha blagodarnost’ amerikanskomu prezidentu, kotoryy delayet nashu rabotu za nas.–Vlad” [Our thanks to the American President who does our work for us.–Vlad]
2) Presentation Medal; Order of the Russian Cyber Bully; inscribed: “My obyazuyemsya sdelat’ vashe vzloma.–Vlady” [We pledge to do your hacking.–Vlady]
3) Presentation Medal; The Iron Cross; inscribed: “Zu meinem Kumpel “Joey” Joseph Goebbels, die “Falschung” Propanganda setzen.–Adolph” [To my pal “Joey” Joseph Goebbels who put “fake” into propaganda.–Adolph”
4) 18 pairs of various women’s bikini bottoms signed on the rear in black and/or gold marker (sample below):
Best groping ever—Miss Ohio
Never knew you had such talented hands—Miss Mississippi
Too bad we were interrupted—Miss Colorado
You’re right, that chair was comfortable—Miss Vermont
These bottoms were too snug. Thanks for helping—Miss Alabama
Best house tour ever—Miss South Dakota
This ain’t FAKE!—Miss Nebraska
5) Voodoo doll, 9” long with Barak Obama’s face. 17 sharp objects stuck in figure (nails, pins, knitting needles). “I hate you Obama” written on back of figure (possibly) matching the President’s handwriting with his classic wide marker.
6) Lock of blondish hair encased in plastic entitled: KA Conway’s hair after treatment.
7) Authentic Russian Passport issued to: Donal’d Tramp; [Donald Trump]
8) Letter in perfume-scented cream colored envelope addressed to:
President Trump, dated 11/10/16. Letter content includes: …they’ll never figure it out but we really stuck it to that bitch, Hillary… signed: s lyubov’ yu, Vlady [I love you, Vlady]
9) An extra-large men’s tee shirt with Can’t Beat Beets [front], Borscht Power [back]; “Made in USSR”
10) A letter from William Henry Harrison, the 9th President of the US who held office for only 1 month, from March 4th – April 4th, 1841—shortest US presidency on record. Accompanying note attached in [apparently] President Trump’s hand: Hope I make it more than 31 days!
Federal Marshals collected the items and placed them in sterile plastic evidence sleeves for forensic analysis.