I guess you could say I’ve been a little bad but I don’t think anyone will notice. This fishbowl I live in leaves me so exposed and it’s hard to hide anything these days but I’m pretty sure things are going well. I’ve finally got my stuff together. Losing my moral compass was the best thing ever. I feel so free. Once Lindsay Graham showed me that “on and off” switch, it was a piece of cake! The trick was getting into that Zen place where I can just tune out why I’m here and what I signed up for. Not caring is a blast. Yeah, I’m the guy who was so offended when the President talked about grabbing pussies and I thought about my daughters and spoke out about how I was sickened by his lewd comments. Well, meditation has helped me get past that nonsense and now nothing matters. I can see clearly now, everything’s in focus. As long as I can lead my party and stay in power, even if I have to snuggle up to, even spoon with The Donald, I can manage that. I just hope my wife Janna doesn’t find out that he likes to grab The Speaker too!
I’ve been pretty lucky. First I fooled my colleagues into thinking I knew about budgets and by the time economists and the press caught on, I was Mitt’s V-P selection. Now I’m Speaker. I guess you could say that I am the Peter Principle—I’ve risen to my level of incompetence and fooled everyone. Note to self: Remember to put “herding cats” when I update my resume. Few people know that some of my best training and preparation to be Speaker came from two previous jobs—working the grill at a McDonalds and later as a salesman for Oscar Meyer. I even drove the Wienermobile. In those jobs I learned how to handle raw, processed meat, which is, in a way, just what I’m still doing.
Who would believe that once I criticized Trump and now I lick his shoes—yum-yum. Life is strange but it’s part of my maturing. No more moral dilemmas, no more sweating public opinion, to hell with the Dreamers. Rex called him a moron and it turns out that’s an understatement but now that we’re buttering each other’s toast, it works. Things are looking good for me. If Trump gets impeached, and I’ll play a role in that too, my friend Mikey Pence will move into the White House and things will get back to the straight and narrow—really narrow. Mike is about as uptight a religious zealot as you can find, so I’ll have to swing back but if my hero Lindsay can do it, so can I. I never thought much about gays but I know they’re Mike’s pet peeve so I have to learn to hate them and fast. Nothing like being prepared. Darwin was wrong. Just look at this administration. Survival of the stupidest.