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Melania Trump instructed Donald on how to best see the eclipse. She informed him that Presidents do not have to wear protective eye ware when viewing the natural phenomena. She further instructed him that if he stared at the eclipse for 5 minutes he would get a “big” surprise. Thinking that this was part of his presidential powers he viewed it for an extra 3 minutes. Afterwards, the president walked into the balcony railing and fell 15 feet to the ground because he was totally blind. He was lead away by secret service agents. When talking to the press later she said that she would be working hard on his hearing in hopes of hitting the trifecta of deaf, dumb and blind!
After months of careful consultation with religious leaders and exorcist specialists, the White House cast Steve Bannon back into the Breitbart Hell hole from whist he came. Under the premise of watching old Dick Cheney torture tapes, Bannon was lured into a safe room where he was hosed with holy water. He immediately resumed his lizard form and tried to break free, goring several secret service agents with his horns. He was subdued and cast out of the White House forever. Running away on all fours, he howled like a hyena. A White House spokesperson breathed a sigh of relief: “We just did not know what to expect with the solar eclipse coming up next week, it is after all his holy day, and we were afraid he would have sacrificed some of the interns.”
Calling an impromptu press conference this morning at his golf club, President Trump wanted to clarify his remarks concerning the tragedy over the weekend in Charlottesville. Wearing his favorite golf outfit, complete with Iron Cross and matching golf boots, Trump screamed to reporters. ” I was not clear enough on Saturday concerning what happened in Charlottesville.” ” I unfortunately was so choked up with emotion I forgot to thank all my supporters who were inspired by my rhetoric and call to action to make america great again.” He further stated “I want to make clear that I support their actions 100%, please keep up the good work, and I hope to see more of you in the future.” He then clicked his heels together, saluted, and goose stepped back to his armored golf cart.
Donald Trump is fed up with the slow pace of change in Washington and has decided to upgrade America’s arsenal himself. He has been working day and night for the last month, going bunker to bunker to perform the technological upgrades needed to bring our weapons into the 21st century. President Trump has undertaken this gargantuan task with no prior training in software,aeronautics or engineering. He is worried that should we need to nuke someone, when he pushes the red button nothing will happen. In his second week of work he mistakenly set off 3 missiles that wiped out life in Harrisburg Pa, Jacksonville Fl. and Oklahoma City OK. “This sure is tricky, he said, I hope that if that happens again those errant misses hit Mitch McConnells house instead of my supporters.”
Our low energy president is taking a 17 day vacation to celebrate all the winning. He warned us that we would get tired of winning, winning and more winning. So far, everyone is waiting for this incompetent fool to accomplish anything but tear the country apart. While at the Bedminster Country Club he has promised all the local vermin that their lives will improve under his administration. Even they don’t buy his lies anymore and have fled to neighboring golf courses. Unlike Caddyshack we cannot hope that he gets hit by a lightning bolt on the 18th green. Unfortunately this is not a movie with a happy ending, for him or for us.
The Trump administration looking for any small victories, appointed Governor Sam Brownback as Religious Freedom Ambassador, at large. The second least popular Governor in the US, Brownback has driven the state of Kanas into a deep ditch, almost bankrupting the state and ruined the school system. To reward his stellar performance, President Trump has literally promoted Brownback, and in his new post he will respond to threats of religious freedom around the world. This morning God tweeted: ” you have to be kidding me, this is a big insult to religion and decency. I disavow any relationship with this hypocrite and the idiots in the White House.”
A White House janitor spotted Newt Gingrich’s soul in the bottom of a dumpster being gnawed on by a big rat. His soul was reported missing when he divorced his first wife in 1980 while she was being treated for cancer. Others reported that it left for good when he endorsed Donald Trump for President and later cashed in by writing a worthless book called “Understanding Trump.” His soul refused to leave the dumpster, preferring it to re-entering Gingrich’s bloated evil body. When asked if he knew when his soul fled his body Gingrich said ” I think it was when I accused Bill Clinton of infidelity while I was cheating on my second wife.”
President Trump gunned down Attorney General Jeff Sessions today on the White House lawn. The President had become evermore frustrated with the new Attorney general due to his refusal to interfere in the ongoing Russian investigation. Sessions was visiting the President to try and discuss the presidents recents tweets that insulted and called out the deceased AG. The White House press secretary was expecting this development and released a statement minutes after the shooting. It stated: President Trump was fearful for his life and before Jeff Sessions could pull out his Balisong Knife The President stood his ground and shot the AG. The President immediately pardoned himself and ordered Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch.
Everyone thought that the secret meetings between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin at the G-20 summit was about world domination, collusion or worse. It turns out it was just love! These love birds were just trying to spend quality time together away from the prying eyes or the press. Many have suspected that their was a special bond between these two leaders but few suspected it was a matter of the heart. The leaders of the two most powerful countries were married in romantic Nantucket and will honeymoon at Richard Branson’s Necker island in the British Virgin Islands. Many wondered what happened to Melania, Trump’s current wife? It turns out she was just a robot created and planted by the Saudis to spy on Trump. They just powered her down. Our best wished to the happy couple.
Trump Jr. reported to Trump senior that he has not seen any Russians today. Now that Steve Bannon has hit him with a rolled up newspaper and sternly repeated “Russians Bad! Russians Bad!” Donald Trump Jr. finally gets it. “Now that Steve and dad has explained that I should not be taking gifts from the Russians or talking with them anymore, I have stopped.” As a precautionary measure the Trump team has installed a shock collar on Jr’s neck that gives him a good jolt when he gets within 10 feet of a Russian national. Vice President Pence hopes that these measures will prevent any further contact with the Russians. If it happens again they will be forced to Euthanize Donald Trump Jr.