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God, speaking to reporters through a burning bush, admitted being distracted when he created Jeff Sessions. “This one slipped through the cracks, I was busy with WWII winding down and sorting out all the souls…what can I say.” God drew a deep sigh and continued, ” This little piss pot keeps associating my name with racist acts he want to justify, and it mystifies me how he became attorney general, his IQ is around 90.” The ground shook and comets fell from the sky. “Well the good thing about being God is a I can fix anything. I will turn him into a Mexican with an obsession for the united states.” “Let’s see how he likes being cuffed and deported.”
Tonight on the O’Reilly Factor, Bill O’Reilly made a formal apology for being “just too dam sexy!” He stated” I cannot blame all those women at Fox News, they were just following their most basic instincts by desiring me.” “I know if I were a women I would want me to grab my butt and stick my tongue in my ear.” He said that all the attention from the beautiful women at Fox is just wearing him out. “I want to accommodate every one of the blonds that work at Fox but I do have to produce a show.” To solve the problem, Bill is posting a sign up sheet every week so he can better accommodate everyone and no one will be disappointed. He urged all the women at Fox to be patient, he will get around to each and every one of them.
Today, Paul Ryan appeared before the House of Representatives dressed like his hero Snidely Whiplash. Cackling like a hen and twirling his mustache he encouraged the house members to follow his lead. “Remember, children, women and old helpless people are the most vulnerable and the easiest to get rid of. I recommend that we stop this charade and admit that we Republican’s are rotten to the core!” Applause. “We have another chance to be the heartless bastards that we are capable of being.” “Lets make this tax cut all about the rich,screw the poor and sick, and lets get rid of grandma once and for all!!!” The Republican applause was thunderous.
Republican’s have stepped back from their deliberations on healthcare because it does not help the poor, weak and sick enough. Paul Ryan stated, “We found that just raising premiums and taking away core benefits was not enough.” “How are they going to learn to stand on their own 2 feet, if we are supporting them.” “We want a complete health dystopia where even a simple disease or curable condition becomes life threatening.” Ryan further stated “it is our duty to put in the time on a new healthcare bill that takes away any chance of survival, this last plan was just too soft and would not help the poor get stronger.”
After finding candy wrappers in the Lincoln bedroom closet, President Trump became convinced that Obama was hiding in the White house. After an extensive search by the secret service that found no evidence of former President Obama, Trump ordered a heat scan by the DOJ that turned up negative. Still convinced that he was being listened to, he order a surprise midnight drone attack on the White house. Afterwards Trump held a press conference at Mar-lago. ” I know this sounds like a drastic move but something had to be done about the leaks.” I am certain that former President Obama was listening to everything I said.” Trump added, ” I needed to replace my staff anyway and the secret service was doing a bad job.” The White house will be re-built using the labor of welfare recipients at a cost of 1.2 billion taxpayer dollars. Read more to see what additional steps Trump is taking to stop Obama.
In a surprise move this morning President Trump pardoned traitor Benedict Arnold. Trump stated that “Benedict is a misunderstood character who was slandered by the liberal media.” Donald Continued,”I feel a strong sympathy with anyone who would do anything to win! Benedict felt a strong connection with his Russian…I mean British friends and did what he thought would vanquish his enemies the fastest.” The president said ” Benedict Arnold’s crime of trying to hand West Point over to the British was pretty minor in comparison to hypothetically handing our great country to an enemy.” Trump concluded.” With this pardon…perhaps the press will look at traitors as not being that big a deal, or really that bad, especially if they just did not want to lose and look like an fool!!”
Paul Ryan emerged from his closed door meeting with President Trump and announced “it’s a difficult decision but the only way to expand the military budget and keep america safe is getting rid of grandma Betty.” A tear came to his eye as he made this difficult statement. We will start by cutting off her meals-on-wheels, “that should do the job” as he wiped away his tears. “If she continues to survive by eating out of garbage cans, we will institute plan B, and take away her heating subsidy.” Paul stated with a trembling lip, “That’s a one two punch few elderly could survive,” Finally, “If by some miracle she continues to breathe we will increase the price of her heart meds through my new health care plan until she cannot afford them, and her heart explodes.” At that point all the Republicans stood up behind Ryan and he sobbed “We will miss all the grandma Betty’s but God wants us to have the biggest military ever assembled, and what is more important…tanks or grandmas?”
How did Kelly Ann Conway get to this place? She is making Sara Palin look like a brain surgeon, whoops… we already have one of those idiots already. Yesterday, Kelly Ann was interviewed and when asked about Trump’s wiretap claims she stated that their are many ways to eavesdrop these days “including microwaves that turn into cameras!” Let the magnitude of that statement settle in for a moment. This is a high level consular to President Trump, the most powerful man in the United States. Her dishonesty and stupidity is undermining our democracy and she is just embarrassing to watch. Is this what Trump meant when he said he would surround himself with the brightest and smartest?
The new “Trumpcare” plan has something everyone can hate. AARP hates the plan! AMA thinks it stinks! The Tea Party cannot believe that their elected representatives would throw them under the bus like this! Low income patients would be left with lower coverage for more money. The American Hospital Association has condemned the plan.The Freedom Caucus despises it! Moderate Republican’s are scared of it, and Democrats think it is cruel and inhumane. Everyone hates it except Paul Ryan and Donald Trump. Overall, it shows you exactly what the Republican’s think of their base, not much! Read More: