The Trump administration looking for any small victories, appointed Governor Sam Brownback as Religious Freedom Ambassador, at large. The second least popular Governor in the US, Brownback has driven the state of Kanas into a deep ditch, almost bankrupting the state and ruined the school system. To reward his stellar performance, President Trump has literally promoted Brownback, and in his new post he will respond to threats of religious freedom around the world. This morning God tweeted: ” you have to be kidding me, this is a big insult to religion and decency. I disavow any relationship with this hypocrite and the idiots in the White House.”
A White House janitor spotted Newt Gingrich’s soul in the bottom of a dumpster being gnawed on by a big rat. His soul was reported missing when he divorced his first wife in 1980 while she was being treated for cancer. Others reported that it left for good when he endorsed Donald Trump for President and later cashed in by writing a worthless book called “Understanding Trump.” His soul refused to leave the dumpster, preferring it to re-entering Gingrich’s bloated evil body. When asked if he knew when his soul fled his body Gingrich said ” I think it was when I accused Bill Clinton of infidelity while I was cheating on my second wife.”
President Trump gunned down Attorney General Jeff Sessions today on the White House lawn. The President had become evermore frustrated with the new Attorney general due to his refusal to interfere in the ongoing Russian investigation. Sessions was visiting the President to try and discuss the presidents recents tweets that insulted and called out the deceased AG. The White House press secretary was expecting this development and released a statement minutes after the shooting. It stated: President Trump was fearful for his life and before Jeff Sessions could pull out his Balisong Knife The President stood his ground and shot the AG. The President immediately pardoned himself and ordered Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch.
Everyone thought that the secret meetings between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin at the G-20 summit was about world domination, collusion or worse. It turns out it was just love! These love birds were just trying to spend quality time together away from the prying eyes or the press. Many have suspected that their was a special bond between these two leaders but few suspected it was a matter of the heart. The leaders of the two most powerful countries were married in romantic Nantucket and will honeymoon at Richard Branson’s Necker island in the British Virgin Islands. Many wondered what happened to Melania, Trump’s current wife? It turns out she was just a robot created and planted by the Saudis to spy on Trump. They just powered her down. Our best wished to the happy couple.
Trump Jr. reported to Trump senior that he has not seen any Russians today. Now that Steve Bannon has hit him with a rolled up newspaper and sternly repeated “Russians Bad! Russians Bad!” Donald Trump Jr. finally gets it. “Now that Steve and dad has explained that I should not be taking gifts from the Russians or talking with them anymore, I have stopped.” As a precautionary measure the Trump team has installed a shock collar on Jr’s neck that gives him a good jolt when he gets within 10 feet of a Russian national. Vice President Pence hopes that these measures will prevent any further contact with the Russians. If it happens again they will be forced to Euthanize Donald Trump Jr.
Jamie Lee Stangler an avid Trump supporter who used to live in Ohio has no regrets about voting for Donald Trump. He is the last surviving member of his family and figures he has about 3 months left before he dies of radioactive poisoning. He says. “Donald Trump showed us we don’t need no rules, no stupid EPA, no education and no health care.” “We were doing ok until that old mine caved in and released all that radioactive waste near the trailer park. When the river caught on fire, and burned down the trailer park it was tough for a while but you learn to survive on squirrels and dog…you get by.” Jamie Lee would vote for Trump again if he lived long enough. “The hospital in my town has closed down but thats a small price to pay for shutting down that dam Obamacare.”
In Donald Trump Jr’s own words; “So I got this call out of the blue from this person I don’t know, who wants to meet. No idea who she is… but, she says she has dirt on Hillary. I’m not sure I should go but dad won’t let me do anything, he calls me “sh*# head” all the time, that I’m dumber than a door knob! So I decide to go, grab a bag of money and my two best buds Kush and Mani and we’re off the the hotel for the meet. Turns out Mani knows this Russian women, they speak in Russian for about 10 minutes and laugh a lot. While all this is going on Kush is standing in the corner looking at his nails. Turns out she has nothing, no dirt on Hillary but she does have this tape with dad on it, it’s really, really gross, I’ll never be the same. She says, tell dad that he better play along or this tape goes to MSNBC. She also said don’t tell anyone about our little meeting…what a day! What an excellent adventure!”
A large angry washed up mammal, washed up on the Jersey beach at Island beach State Park. Zoologists and scientists later determined that the carcass belonged to failed Governor Chris Christie.They could not ascertain why this angry loud mass of flesh was on a beach he had forced closed over the 4th of July holiday. The angry carcass was spotted later berating reporters and constituents for their outrage at his selfish actions. He could be heard screaming,”Nah,nah, I’m the governor and your NOT!!!”
Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell is going to work nonstop over the weekend in hopes of ruining the 4th of July for the nation. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to re-write the meanest, nastiest legislation the nation has ever seen!” Mitch screamed as he gulped his fifth cup of coffee, ” I am confident that I can ruin everyone’s weekend and at the same time drag the nations greatest holiday into the toilet.” Mitch feels that the problem with the first draft was that it was too nice to poor and sick people. In new leaked documents, the latest draft will make going to a doctor a federal offense if your income is below $20,000. Also, anyone with an income above $150,000 will get free healthcare. The most conservative members of the senate are still not satisfied and want an amendment to prevent doctors from treating children in rural counties.
Gertrude Mayfair will be moving out of her cozy room in Sunshine Residential Living and onto the streets of Nashville.”He knows whats best! The country needed to cut taxes on the rich so I am out on the streets.” Gertrude added,”President Trump wouldn’t do this unless he had too, he has my vote in 2018 …if I am still here.” The new healthcare plan put together by Mitch McConnell and Senate Republicans cuts Medicaid deeply and will impact 71% of the seniors now dependent on this program. Most will not qualify under the new guidelines and could be tossed into the streets. “In craft class we are learning to build shelters from refrigerator boxes and write sad signs so people give us their loose change.” She added,”God bless Donald Trump for caring so much about america!”