If you have missed it, former disgraced Judge Roy Moore is running for the senate in Alabama. He was twice disbarred from his judgeships in disgrace and is an admitted religious zealot, very anti-LBGT and a racist. He is running against Luther Strange, a more moderate Republican, backed by the RNC. At this point Luther is losing to Moore by 25 points in the polls. Just a few days ago Moore created additional turmoil in a speech by saying this about the divisions in the US. “Now we have blacks and whites fighting, REDS and YELLOWS fighting, Democrats and Republicans fighting,” Reds and yellows??? Now the Republicans don’t even think of masking their racism. It is mind boggling to think that the people of Alabama could elect a lunatic and racist to the senate. Hey Mitch…you’re in for more fun times!
Last nigh on 60 Minutes Charlie Rose interviewed Steve Bannon, and insanity ensued. First, we are not sure why 60 Minutes would give an interview to a loser who couldn’t hold down a staff job for longer than an intern but, what universe is Steve Bannon living on? He thinks he is a street fighter, a tough, take no prisoner kind of guy. He thinks Trump is too! WHAT!!! These guys wouldn’t last 5 minutes in any real street. He was completely fine with the “grab em” tape and that it actually helped Trump get elected. Our guess is he will use the infamous “Pee Tape” as a campaign ad in 2020. Steve Bannon’s moral compass is so messed up he actually threw the catholic church under the bus on DACA, claiming they need immigrants to fill the pews. This interview gave america a chance to see what the Trump administration is really like behind the curtain and they are certainly not living in the same universe as the rest of us.
Donald Trump visited flood torn Texas today and informed everyone he has a secret plan to take care of the flooding and get Houston up and running by next week. Standing in chest high water he waved to the great crowd while blaming Mitch McConnell for the hurricane. When asked what his secret plan was he said,” if I tell you, it’s not a secret, but it’s a great, great plan, and let me tell you everyone will be back in their homes by Sunday.” Idiot Governor Greg Abbott beamed when he heard that everything will be ok according to Trump. “Wow, I was really worried but Trump always keeps his promises.” As Trump was getting on Airforce 1 he invited everyone in Houston to Ma-a-Largo for a barbecue this weekend.
God has had enough! Donald Trump’s idiot spiritual advisor Paula White believes that contrary to the actual teachings of Jesus Christ, God blesses the true believers with material wealth and puts them in positions of power. Also she stated that going against the president is actually going against God himself. According to God he is through having his named associated with Donald Trump and evangelical leaders. God exclaimed, “I am sick of these so called religious leaders using my name to get rich and hurt the poor,” Afterwards a calmed down God confided in the pope that he is pretty much done with humans. He feels that he really made a mistake with Adam and Eve and he probably should start over. He is considering letting a giant asteroid hit the planet again before Trump ends his vacation.
Melania Trump instructed Donald on how to best see the eclipse. She informed him that Presidents do not have to wear protective eye ware when viewing the natural phenomena. She further instructed him that if he stared at the eclipse for 5 minutes he would get a “big” surprise. Thinking that this was part of his presidential powers he viewed it for an extra 3 minutes. Afterwards, the president walked into the balcony railing and fell 15 feet to the ground because he was totally blind. He was lead away by secret service agents. When talking to the press later she said that she would be working hard on his hearing in hopes of hitting the trifecta of deaf, dumb and blind!
After months of careful consultation with religious leaders and exorcist specialists, the White House cast Steve Bannon back into the Breitbart Hell hole from whist he came. Under the premise of watching old Dick Cheney torture tapes, Bannon was lured into a safe room where he was hosed with holy water. He immediately resumed his lizard form and tried to break free, goring several secret service agents with his horns. He was subdued and cast out of the White House forever. Running away on all fours, he howled like a hyena. A White House spokesperson breathed a sigh of relief: “We just did not know what to expect with the solar eclipse coming up next week, it is after all his holy day, and we were afraid he would have sacrificed some of the interns.”
Calling an impromptu press conference this morning at his golf club, President Trump wanted to clarify his remarks concerning the tragedy over the weekend in Charlottesville. Wearing his favorite golf outfit, complete with Iron Cross and matching golf boots, Trump screamed to reporters. ” I was not clear enough on Saturday concerning what happened in Charlottesville.” ” I unfortunately was so choked up with emotion I forgot to thank all my supporters who were inspired by my rhetoric and call to action to make america great again.” He further stated “I want to make clear that I support their actions 100%, please keep up the good work, and I hope to see more of you in the future.” He then clicked his heels together, saluted, and goose stepped back to his armored golf cart.
Donald Trump is fed up with the slow pace of change in Washington and has decided to upgrade America’s arsenal himself. He has been working day and night for the last month, going bunker to bunker to perform the technological upgrades needed to bring our weapons into the 21st century. President Trump has undertaken this gargantuan task with no prior training in software,aeronautics or engineering. He is worried that should we need to nuke someone, when he pushes the red button nothing will happen. In his second week of work he mistakenly set off 3 missiles that wiped out life in Harrisburg Pa, Jacksonville Fl. and Oklahoma City OK. “This sure is tricky, he said, I hope that if that happens again those errant misses hit Mitch McConnells house instead of my supporters.”
Our low energy president is taking a 17 day vacation to celebrate all the winning. He warned us that we would get tired of winning, winning and more winning. So far, everyone is waiting for this incompetent fool to accomplish anything but tear the country apart. While at the Bedminster Country Club he has promised all the local vermin that their lives will improve under his administration. Even they don’t buy his lies anymore and have fled to neighboring golf courses. Unlike Caddyshack we cannot hope that he gets hit by a lightning bolt on the 18th green. Unfortunately this is not a movie with a happy ending, for him or for us.
The Trump administration looking for any small victories, appointed Governor Sam Brownback as Religious Freedom Ambassador, at large. The second least popular Governor in the US, Brownback has driven the state of Kanas into a deep ditch, almost bankrupting the state and ruined the school system. To reward his stellar performance, President Trump has literally promoted Brownback, and in his new post he will respond to threats of religious freedom around the world. This morning God tweeted: ” you have to be kidding me, this is a big insult to religion and decency. I disavow any relationship with this hypocrite and the idiots in the White House.”