[This letter was found inside President Trump’s suit jacket pocket by his long-time clothing cleaner and tailor, Wong & Epstein following the retreat with his cabinet and GOP Congressional leaders.]
To our most revered and respected President, Leader of our Nation, in whom we Trust more than life itself…
Dear Mr. President,
While there are no words that can adequately express both our deep humility and the jumping-out-of-our-skin excitement in spending precious time in your midst, we nonetheless have put our thoughts to paper. The electricity we feel in just sharing space, being in the same room with you, hearing you say a few brilliant phrases, simply puts us in awe. Some of us who have gone to college said that the way you put a sentence together, the clever placement of exactly the right word within your dazzling thought process vies with the greatest ancient thinkers and philosophers in the history of mankind. Confucius, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Sophocles, Nietzsche, Forest Gump and even Jesus of Nazareth would welcome you onto their cloud of clouds of bon mots.
We have recommended you be listed in the 2018 edition of Greatest Cocktail Quotes—Ever! This follows, of course, your being installed into the Tweeting Hall of Fame as Tweeter-in-Chief. No one could hold a candle to your tweets!
There is one list though that is short—that is the list of things in which you are not expert! Hardly anything comes to mind. As a group of your most trusted supplicants, your cabinet members, your Vice President and the Republican leaders of the House and Senate, all of us are unanimous in our unbridled reverence and veneration of you. We feel reborn after our weekend in your presence. We felt as if we were immersed in your divine presence. We are not embarrassed to tell you how fortunate we are, collectively, to just kneel at your perfectly manicured, if slightly small, feet. You probably had to spend a few extra minutes washing away the moist kisses we showered upon your toes. We would do it again in an immigrant’s heartbeat.
We love and endorse your idea for the first project in the new Infrastructure Bill. How brilliant of you to add a fifth head, yours, to Mt. Rushmore and change the name to Mt. More Trump, an expression from all of your wives . “Genius” doesn’t begin to describe you. Closing millions of acres of worthless, protected federal lands, national parks, monuments and sacred native American sites while adding a go-to place for your followers to pilgrimage is a eureka moment. Just slapping the name TRUMP, onto anything gives it heft, force, legitimacy and imbues it with your sheer magic and divinity. Our group’s spokesman and the man who put “vice” in your presidency, Mike Pence, said it best:
Holiness, we supplicate ourselves before you as a sign of our worthlessness and your supremacy. We earned the spankings your small-but-impactful hands delivered and we are deeply grateful for your corrective punishment and abuse as it shows how much you really love us. Thank you for showing us the way. Thank you for explaining how separating immigrant families and deporting only the parents forces 10-year olds to mature quicker. You are the greatest of wise guys. You have convinced us that being politically correct is a convention not worth keeping. Your every word, tweet, action and order reinforces our fear, esteem and amazement in you. You are the gift that opens every day with a new surprise, yet another unexpected bombshell of wonder on which we feast. The rest of the world is craven with envy that our group has been so close to you, even touching you for just a magical moment. The Trump key chains that you blessed will be kept as priceless relics forever and handed down to our children and grandchildren, which we henceforth will call the Trump Talismans. We are so privileged to have you as our leader, our guide, our divine spirit. We love and worship you as our God-sent and God-delivered (1-day shipping extra) ruler. There is nothing you could ask from us that we wouldn’t do to please you and your family. We immerse ourselves, virtually baptize ourselves in your used bathwater, your holiness. We are grateful to you beyond all measure. Your wisdom is infinite. You are our STABLE GENIUS!
Your human bathmat and most grateful-but-insignificant sycophant,