Trump’s lawyer’s devise new strategy

Donald Trump’s lawyer’s have amputated the presidents hands in hope that he will stop tweeting. A spokes person stated “It was a drastic measure but the president cannot help himself, we fully expect that the administration and the white house will get back to business as normal, without the distracting tweets.” The only downside is their will be no more executive orders signed by Donald Trump… for obvious reasons. Their is a tremendous upside to this development: 1) No more stupid and embarrassing handshakes with world leaders, 2) No more comments about the presidents small hands. 3) He can no longer grab women by the…… His hands will be put in formaldehyde and put on display in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Republican’s propose new law after Congressman shot

Horrified Republican’s are proposing a new law after Congressman Steve Scalise is shot by crazy Virginia man. “This madness has to stop,” stated Paul Ryan. “We need sensible gun laws that protect every citizen from this kind of terror.” Republican’s are proposing a new law that would make gun ownership mandatory at birth. They feel that if every citizen in the US is carrying a concealed weapon this kind of incident will stop happening. The NRA believes this is a sensible response to finally stop US citizens from shooting each other every 3 minutes. 

Trump tells large mammals to drop dead!

Donald Trump proudly announced that the United States is leaving the Paris Climate Accord. Even though the accord is voluntary, and each country sets their own limits, he wants to cut a better deal with himself. The Republican administration stated that we have too many large mammals on the planet earth and it would be good to get rid of a few species. When told that humans are mammals, he called that “fake news.” Now that the republicans have destroyed the planet, they will move onto denying their base healthcare, food stamps and meals-on-wheels.As always their base cheered about their impeding doom.

Trump’s budget a real killer

Donald Trump might as well throw granny down the stairs, his new budget will do it soon enough. He is suggesting that the federal government cut almost every support program that helps the weak,old and sick. What a villain he has turned out to be. The ironic part of his budget proposal is that it will impact his supporters the most of all. It would slash some $1.7 trillion from other programs over the next decade, with the bulk of the cuts coming from Medicaid, food stamps, the Children’s Health Insurance Program, and the Social Security Disability program, and others. If we combine the Trump budget with the Trump Healthcare plan he should be able to wipe out most of the people that voted for him. Lets just remember that these individuals put their faith in this man to protect their best interests. Imagine what he will do to his enemies.

Trump prepares for world tour

President Trump is ready for his 9 day tour and meetings with world leaders. His backpack is full of his games, toys and stuffed elephant, Foxy. He is also bringing his favorite General Flynn coloring book. President Trump is a self-proclaimed homebody who doesn’t like to travel internationally, (except those 8 trips to Russia last year.) He feels relieved to be getting out of Washington and traveling to countries that don’t despise him as much as America. McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken have sent line cooks to prepare his favorite meals and delicacies while away from America. Aides say that he has given up trying to correctly pronounce the names of world leaders and will just call everyone Bud or Buddy. What will we do in America while he is away? 

Republican’s devise new strategy for Town Halls

 

Faced with growing discontent over the AHCA, Republican’s have developed a new strategy to handle unruly crowds at their town hall meetings. Before a congressman can answer any questions about lost coverage or preexisting conditions coverage,  Paul Ryan comes out on stage and slimes them with a mixture of horse urine and swamp algae . A spokesman explained that since Ryan created this horrible, heartless healthcare plan we feel it is fitting that he continue to degrade and embarrass our congressmen and women in front of their constituents. It seems to be working as voters flee the town halls before asking difficult or embarrassing questions. The only problem is getting enough horse urine to go around. To solve the  problem Trump has named Chris Christie as the new Urine Tsar.

Republicans just can’t stop laughing!

Congressional Republicans are having a ball. Since they passed the AHCA last week, they have not been able to stop from laughing. Paul Ryan’s sides hurt from laughing so hard and Tom Price cannot stop from breaking out in giggles at the slightest provocation. “Wow, do we feel better,” stated Ryan, “had I known that I could get away with putting together a bill even I had not read, I would have done it years ago.” This giddiness has lead to outright lying on network news shows about the supposed benefits of their new plan. “We are so relieved that the voters that elected us do not care if they live or die!” said Price, “We thought they would care, but they are so stupid they believe anything you tell them.” A little later in the day a women in a wheelchair presented Paul Ryan with a dozen roses for his efforts on the new AHCA bill. “He’s the best, I hope I am alive so I can vote for him in the next election.”

Trump speaks first coherent sentence since inauguration.

President Trump, with the help of his son-in-law, Jared Kushner was able to put together a full sentence that actually made sense. Trump boasted ” His administration will achieve peace in the Middle East.” Unfortunately, after speaking, his head hurt so much he had to lay down. Regardless, his staff was speechless with delight and began to goggle this “Middle East” thing. Where is it? Who is in charge? And can Trump make money off it! Leaders of the Republican Party beamed with joy and slapped each other on the back. “This was a mile stone for the President” said Sean Spicer. “but we must be careful, he may have just put words together that sounded right but we never know for sure.” This afternoon the white house staff went back to work with a new sense of purpose.

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God admits he made mistake with Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

God, speaking to reporters through a burning bush, admitted being distracted when he created Jeff Sessions. “This one slipped through the cracks, I was busy with WWII winding down and sorting out all the souls…what can I say.” God drew a deep sigh and continued, ” This little piss pot keeps associating my name with racist acts he want to justify, and it mystifies me how he became attorney general, his IQ is around 90.” The ground shook and comets fell from the sky. “Well the good thing about being God is a I can fix anything. I will turn him into a Mexican with an obsession for the united states.” “Let’s see how he likes being cuffed and deported.”